A Statement from The Retreat on Common Myths About Domestic Violence
This week, in a livestream on X, U.S. Rep. Max Miller responded to calls for his resignation over domestic violence allegations made by his ex-wife. He asked, “If I had assaulted her, would she have offered to cook me dinner six days later?” He also said, “If these accusations were true, I would be in jail.”
The Retreat is not involved in this case, and we have no basis to comment on what did or did not happen between these two people. We do have a basis to comment on the reasoning.
Both of Miller’s questions rest on assumptions about how survivors behave and how the legal system works. Both assumptions are wrong. And every time they go unchallenged in public, they reach survivors who are listening.
The myth that a “real” survivor leaves immediately and never returns, forgives, or offers care is one of the most persistent falsehoods about intimate partner violence. It turns the choices people make to stay safe into evidence against them.
The fact that Miller was not arrested and is not incarcerated tells us nothing about whether abuse occurred. Even when police are called, most cases never reach a conviction. Fewer than half of domestic violence victimizations reported to police lead to an arrest or charges. About a third of reported intimate partner violence offenses are prosecuted. A criminal record is a record of what the system acted on. It is not a record of what happened.1
A survivor may cook dinner, send a warm message, go home, or try to repair the relationship after an assault. Continued contact does not disprove abuse. It can reflect fear, shared children, financial dependence, a lack of anywhere else to live, or an imbalance in power and social standing that does not disappear overnight.2
Survivors also learn what keeps them safe in the moment: soothing the person who hurt them, restoring a sense of normalcy, avoiding confrontation. These are calculations made quickly and often correctly about how to get through the next hour. Reconciliation can be a survival strategy. It is not proof that the relationship was safe.
Staying, returning, or showing kindness to someone who hurt you does not undo what they did. Judging survivors by how neatly they behaved afterward is how we keep them quiet.
The Retreat’s 24-hour hotline is 631-329-2200. Calls are free, confidential, and answered by a trained responder, day or night.
1 Between 2006 and 2015, an offender was arrested or charges were filed in 39 percent of domestic violence victimizations reported to police. Bureau of Justice Statistics, Police Response to Domestic Violence, 2006–2015, NCJ 250231 (May 2017). A review of 135 studies across five countries found that roughly one-third of reported intimate partner violence offenses result in prosecution and about one-third of arrests result in conviction. Joel H. Garner and Christopher D. Maxwell, “Prosecution and Conviction Rates for Intimate Partner Violence,” Criminal Justice Review 34, no. 1 (2009): 44–79.
2 Leaving is not always the safest immediate option, and abusers often escalate when a partner leaves. New York State Coalition Against Domestic Violence, “Domestic Violence Safety Planning.” Estrangement, particularly from a highly controlling partner, is among the strongest risk factors for intimate partner femicide. Jacquelyn C. Campbell et al., “Risk Factors for Femicide in Abusive Relationships,” American Journal of Public Health 93, no. 7 (2003): 1089–1097. See also Kathryn J. Spearman et al., “Post-Separation Abuse: A Literature Review Connecting Tactics to Harm,” Journal of Family Trauma, Child Custody & Child Development 21, no. 2 (2024): 145–164.
